Twisted Brain: The Misadventures of Missy

It's been a while..New Year!!

2010-12-31T03:36:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I last wrote, there are thoughts in my head just can't seem to find it's way, I love writing and lately I went back to pen and paper, It somehow felt more personal, then I started to feel my finger joint hurt. I always try to write down thoughts even on the back of a receipt later to be transferred to my journal. It's the new year for me and keeping within the spirit of the holidays, though I am really not a holiday person, I manage to sum up my past year in a word "rollercoaster". Yup it's been one crazy ride and with all the loops, ups and downs. This year, well kinda started already to be a calm one and praying and hoping that this one is. At least i'll try to make it one.

For whatever it's worth even though some part of my year wasn't right, somehow I came to know that how strong a person can be, there is always something that breaks that person...

That is that.. nothing more....

New Beginnings-New Me

2010-03-14T11:40:00.000+08:00

There's a new ME in town, After weeks of partying myself, I realized people come and go, but people you've known all your life stays, even if you don't get to see them often, they still are a part of your life somehow, that you weren't close before then you meet again then wham you just hit it off.. Even people you've come to love; letting go will always be part of my story.This story is for me, and for readers who are interested. I have realized that dwelling is not easy to get over than it seems, but I've done it once again, I didn't dwell let it linger only as much as I allowed it to, then move on. So I have; not expecting anything at all, busying myself with friends and family, partying here and there when I have the time. It's time to actually sit down and enjoy more nights at home. But I think this time it lingers, maybe It hasn't settled in yet, turning it's ugly head slowly before settling in for the big bite. Taking time to realize everything in a different perspective. I can't say if I can handle this or not, I don't want to put an end to the story.

Let's play who...

2010-02-12T16:59:00.000+08:00

I've always portrayed myself as stupid and dumb, which is actually easier to deal with people than letting them assume I am smart. I would like to think of myself as smart. But sometimes things get in the way. moving on is easier said than done, but I did and I could say it was a success. I wish I could say to these politicians who think that the people who are voting for them are all dumb. I am entitled to my own opinion as well as any commentator out there for a major news network.

Lets take these politicians running for the highest office in the country:

Politician 1 (very subtle): He came from a political family and a mother who actually became one of our country's president when during her term hasn't done anything except the never ending coup and hiding under the bed, and a father who got shot dramatically getting off an airplane. Rumors go around that he is a certified addict, well for me addict or not, what has he done? really, to prove that he is capable of running our great country?He has this ad campaigns showing showbiz people, I for one am not voting for him just because his sister is one of those who catches an std and admits it on live tv (admirable, but kinda stupid) or gets married to a philanderer who should just keep his thingy in his pants and stay with her for her money. (everybody knows that is the reason) Then there is the issue in their vast private military camp (supposed to be a sugar plantation) what has happened to the people there?Seriously, what has he done?

Politician 2: known to be recently dropped by his uncle for support also cousins of the same genetic build up, ok so he recently was defense whatever, again what has he done for me to vote for him? (shorter than the first one. but most likely choice for me to vote for.

Politician 3: I can't say anything except a businessman who can't get enough riches (greedy, greedy). He said he came from the poor, (wait is that the reason he's running for office? to make sure he doesn't go back to being poor?) has one of the funniest people in showbiz supporting him, has a lot of villages under his company popping out in every nook and cranny of the city. There is also the recent thing about his project somewhere in c5, I haven't really followed up on his career coz somehow I am not interested in him, he smells kinda fishy..

Politician 4: The former president got kicked out of office, and will go down in history as part of Edsa 2, and that irritating ad about continuing what again? hmmm let's see let me list it down but I think my time isn't enough, so here are some of them starting from what irritates me the most: oh wait everything about him irritates me. He does sure look stupid with that arm band. What he's going to toss the dice to decide what our country should do? or should he just play cards and base his decisions on that? A gambler, womanizer, who can't even do it quietly..drugs maybe or maybe not? murder so they say,

Politician 5: A church leader, I have nothing against other religions but I adhere to the fact that it was established since time in memoriam the separation of power. ( I have been paying attention to my history class in high school, hmmm wait some of these are gunning for the highest position in the land without even graduating grade school, how would they know). Ok so this separation of power thingy, it's supposed to separate church and government, makes sense to me. It's supposed to create balance.

Politician 6: The SBMA hero, good one, needs more experience if you ask me, what he has done in SBMA is nice but I don't think He is actually capable of doing it for the whole country..(need to do more reading on this guy)

Politician 7,8 & 9: Nuisance candidates...eh eh eh nothing more to say...

Ok so why the hell are there so many of these so called I can lead our country to even greatness (my meaning of greatness is more money for their pockets). why can't our COMELEC limit it two 2? oh I forgot democracy.. but still...TBC...

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...

2010-02-02T10:51:00.000+08:00

I just copy and pasted.

Thanks to the author.

August 1, 2009 at 11:41pm

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 GOD LOVES YOU <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6

PS. THIS IS A REPOST AND IS NOT MY PERSONAL WORK.

It was just a dream…..

2010-01-12T00:08:00.000+08:00

January 25th, 2008

"Woke up in the middle of the night,everything was perfect, the lifetime we’re going to be spending with each other, cherishing this love we have..you looking down at me while I sleep, enjoying every moment of this time we spend together. waking up in your arms and seeing you smile at me…aching every moment I don’t see you,wishing we could be together all the time…what could be more wonderful than that"….then I wake up to realize shit it was all a dream…..where did that dream come from?maybe from the depths of my brain…who really knows how my psyche works, with all it’s twists and turns.maybe someday…

Just a thought… July 25th, 2008

2010-01-12T00:07:00.000+08:00

I tried importing my blogs from my other blog site but way too much process, so i'll just copy and paste it here.with dates when I actually wrote them.

I haven’t written here in a long time, a lot of things happened from my dad’s painful cancer operation (steph sat with me through this keeping me partly sane besides the hunger during the waiting time which was not her fault. Appreciate it a lot. thanks) to fallout, between all these happenings there never seemed to be a time to reflect, finally time to do so, as chinggay would say a few minutes of yoga a day helps keep her calm.(I wonder where she gets her sort of wisdom, as if she’s not practically hyper most of the time)A very good & wise friend of mine from grade school told me after an episode (one of my dilemmas) that I have to learn to accept that everything has it’s place & that it will eventually fall into place, that I shouldn’t force anything to change it. I know there are reasons why things happen & sometimes I’m not sure I want to accept what is happening then here comes the thought maybe I could change it but when the decisions not mine to make then I have to submit.This week made me think of my friends. I may not have a million friends but I am thankful for the ones I have. Those who accept me for who I am (including my bitching & quirks),(Myles, for every dilemma I have, here you come with a positive reaction & bringing with you your wisdom, thanks) maybe just maybe one of these days I’ll get a little wiser.

New year

2010-01-03T23:52:00.000+08:00

The holidays have past and it's the new year. This is the time for new beginnings, and I have come to realize there are things I have taken for granted this past year now I know better and learned how to cherish more without going overboard on the sentimental side of it. I remember a text someone sent me that a person only realizes the importance when it's already gone. I just think of it as "it was not meant to be, or maybe in another lifetime." Holidays makes us think of the year it was, for me it was one roller coaster of a ride. I can't say it was bad, if there's one thing for sure it was definitely not boring. I learned a lot about myself (which was usually pointed out by someone). If there's one thing I could say this Christmas is one of my most unforgettable as well as last years. It's the one I could say I found and I lost. it's a new year and it's time for me to move forward, no looking back. I was thinking of what to write and I wanted to write about sadness, but I am not. If there's one thing I can't stay sad long even if I try to, some say that I take things lightly, but I don't, I always say, there is no use crying over spilled milk, it's already gone so what's the use of wasting time pondering over it. There is only a certain amount of time I allow myself to be sad, whatever the reason may be. It's the new year, and I tell myself no holding of bitterness in me. I may have been hurt last year, but hey that was last year, this is the new year, no more of that. There is a new me in town and I intend on making me a better person.

Broken

2009-12-15T22:01:00.000+08:00

I didn't know what hit me, it was like a dark cloud with thunderstorms and lightning, and anybody who knows me can say I hate thunders and lightnings. I wanted everything to sink in while it was thrown at me, but somehow my brain was left numb, it just couldn't comprehend, everything was a blur until it finally sunk in deep, was like a knife made of ice slowly pushing it's way inside and making everything ice cold, maybe even colder if it's even possible (note to self - no driving while this is happening, not a good idea)
   I've never really cried much for anybody, except for minor crying moments. I always managed to keep my wall up and strong but somehow like that Beyonce song, well I should have known better. until now I always managed to help friends with their troubles, I tried my best to console them, but now I know better, there's no consoling the broken, it only needs time to heal itself, I was told to think it through and not to consume unreasonable amounts of alcohol but then again, somehow it actually makes it easier. I never really understood what being broken is, there's always that saying you'll never know until you experience it yourself. I have never allowed anybody or anything to break me, I always thought of myself as a strong person, even with my past.

   This is a time when looking into a broken mirror, seeing myself makes a lot of sense. It feels so familiar, it somehow reflects my inner me. I am now realizing I have been this way for the longest time, covered by the superficial things that I do. The pieces somehow fits together but not quite. Someone told me, this is the time to think things through, I never thought of it that way until it was splattered on my face. I am taking those words like gospel. Time for me to reevaluate what is important in my life, what I need to do. Somehow those words shattered the wall I put up. The always I'm ok even if i'm not and to think it's taken this long for someone to actually say it, and make a big impact for me to realize it took me this long to realize that I really am a mess. The self image I portrayed myself as the image you see before the mirror is actually broken.

  I am not the kind of person that lingers too much, or dwell too much on things, I just give enough time to wallow and for others they wait for the time they are ready to move on, in my case I dictate when I say it's time to move on.

Survival Rate

2009-12-15T14:43:00.000+08:00

I am having a bad case of henna tattoo allergy, realizing that I am really allergic to everything, why didn't i have second thoughts about it? I just realized what if something like the movie 2012 happen, would I survive, I lived in a "bubble" during my earlier years and by "bubble", I mean practically germ free, vegetables washed with germicidal soap, floors scrubbed with disinfectant, any bacteria or any germ wouldn't have lasted a minute. I grew up sickly, I had a bad case of skin allergy, asthma, and other illness that would have been caused by my mother insisting I must practically be germ free.

Watching this TV show "man versus wild", I was wondering if I was capable of actually lasting an hour in an environment without the modern creature comforts? I have no idea how to make fire with what kind of stone, unless zippo started growing on trees.No bathroom, and whatnots. Picking food off plants, I'd probably die of poisoning. Plus the bugs and crawlies.

eeeeeew! I hate crawlies! I call them crawlies coz if I started making a list it would be a long one and also it would include those that I don't know about.

I was also thinking but what would I be doing outdoors, I am not an outdoor person perse, I don't mind hanging outdoors, I definitely love the beach, but that is the max of my outdoor adventure, I also love the mountains but as long as there is a house on top of it that offers at least basic necessities.

hmmmm.. thoughts to ponder on, I was always teased as the girl who couldn't even fry an egg without frying my finger, it was an accident, I love cooking! I lived a sheltered life as I can say, I hate public transport, no offense I take public transport when necessary, it's not because it's inconvenient, but thinking more of what germ I could get especially with the pollution, I take cabs, reasonable enough for me but at the back of my mind, there's always a question, who sat down last, or if the seats has bugs.

Regarding survival rate, I think I have a slim chance of being a survivor.

Conversations

2009-11-30T14:30:00.000+08:00

There are a few notable conversations I had with people, some I don't really know, some I got to know after some time and some have a special place in my heart. One person I used to work with, technically I was amused with "shim"(gay), I always pass by his cubicle before getting to my seat and out, and the day I was so down "she" called my attention and said to me. "why aren't you your usual self? You are not your happy, bubbly, always smiling self?" I didn't know she noticed at all, this was the day everything went downhill. I wasn't exactly sad. I was frustrated that day.

Then there was another one who said to me "Miss, matalino ka naman" I never thought of myself as smart. I always thought I was average. If there was one thing I knew for myself, that is when I have decided there is no turning back for me. I am headstrong. There was one recent statement from someone that stuck to my head "may anak ka kailangan buhayin, di pwede dyan ka na lang"(in english- ou have a kid to feed, you can't be stuck in that situation). It never really occurred to me that I wallow, but knowing this, I know better than to wallow. I can do anything if I set my mind to this was what I was told, It's time for me to move on and get m life back in order. I don't know where this path will lead me. After having conversations with people, I see somehow where I stand, one good friend asked me "how is hell?" I didn't see it that way that I was tormented or anything that drastic. But it did call my attention.

It's time to move on and actually make it...

Death

2009-11-23T19:52:00.000+08:00

People die, if there's one thing that is certain it's death, but no certain way how a person is going to die. That is a question a lot of people tried to solve. In a week I have 2 friends who lost their loved ones, it's sad to think that in a snap people you love can just drop dead, they say it's life, but what do you say to parents when their child dies, or to a son who's father died a very brutal murder. No words can express the sadness they feel, or to even relieve that misery they are feeling. One wants justice, the other is questioning why the higher power took their baby away after fighting. I have experienced death in the family, and at times I somehow feel their presence around me, guiding me and knowing they wish me well. They are in a better place, free from the misery of the world. I always say Its the children who should bury their parents and not the other way around. But we never know when life has taken it's toll, when life is sucked out of our body.

To the dearly departed, May your light shine upon us and your souls rest in peace.

A little story

2009-11-10T14:35:00.002+08:00

Used to know someone, she was someone who just heads for the sun, had so much laughter and when she smiles people around her cant help but smile as well, a warm loving person. She lost herself in cotton candy and ice cream and all kiddie stuff, she was a child. She was a princess, if anybody can switch from being a child to a mature woman, she definitely could do it in a snap and back again. She had so much life. Though behind her smile there was always something, it could be her mischievous
smile,naughty, or out of joy, then again they wouldn't know, but she does. She mastered hiding pain, sadness or a tear, you wouldn't know for her laughter was infectious.

Then one day the monsters came...

they drew the life out of her.Telling her to grow up, what they didn't know was that she grew up, she was just in touch with her inner child. Tearing her to pieces, part by part until nothing was left of her. Not even a smile or her melodious laughter. She rarely smiled or laughed anymore. She went on with life as it was, day after day like a zombie. Thinking of duties to be done, forgetting her simple joys and her inner child. For some people it was the pills that made them sleep, for her it was crying herself to sleep night after night. She was in a dark, dreadful place for so long she forgot everything, forgetting how her own laughter sounded like. She finally made up her mind that nothing good anymore will come out of her. People started asking what happened. If the only knew for she had that smile that quite wasn't hers and the words "i'm ok". The story of her life, everything positive in life drained out of her. She was trapped. Everything she has to do has been laid out for her. When the monsters asked her if it was ok, she always knew what to answer, you'd hear her say "it doesn't matter what I think".

She grew wiser, she tried cutting the master puppet's strings. Thunders came rolling down. People around her was wondering why she wanted to break free from her semi-charmed life. She was a princess. If they only knew, then again she had her smile to hide behind. She had her share of being kicked and pushed. The little princess found a way to get away slowly, one step at a time, here she found her sanctuary, her secret place. A world for her own, she can let her guard down even for a time for she was tired of keeping the wall around her strong. She started to laugh and smile again. Everybody else just fades away. She forgot what it was like, to be really laughing for even the simplest reasons.

Then again....the Grinch happened...

Untitled ramblings.

2009-10-21T12:17:00.000+08:00

People come and go, but the question is what makes them stay? People have different point of views and somehow it gets lost somewhere, this post is just ramblings in my head. There are people I want to keep in my life but somehow it takes so much energy to keep them there, I am losing my energy faster than my body can produce. If there's one thing I know I definitely learned is not to expect anymore, My idea is if it happens then it happens, if not well sorry try again next time. Yes I am a self admitting pessimist. Lost the positive in me, drained away slowly one day at a time. Is there any positive things in me anymore? this is a question that has been bugging my twisted brain for quite sometime. Should I just let go and try to keep whatever sanity I have left?

A smart friend of mine during one of our therapy sessions over pizza and chicken told me that "Life isn't complicated, it's people who make it complicated." It stuck to me like a glue, it just keeps playing over and over again in my head. I used to see the good in people until I got burned too often so to speak, but still I didn't learn my lesson still getting burned, now I want that back to start again looking for the good in people, I stopped for a while, but something or somehow something pinched me and telling me there is still some good left. I try to leave the negative under the pillow, it's a sneaky, creepy thing.

Ramblings here.. I want to see the positive in life..but somehow I can't stop just looking at it, I feel like it's so negative.

Horrid,Dreadful Food (one painful dinner)

2009-10-18T10:18:00.001+08:00

Ok I have to share this, tagaytay is supposed to be the place for good food, well we did try our luck in Taal Vista Hotel, for a change, feeling sophisticated and all, behold their Kare-Kare, which was absolutely dreadful, a pain to eat. seriously..I have no idea what came to our brains to actually eat there of all the good places to eat in Tagaytay.

Then I had the seafood cocktail for starters guess what squid was overcooked, and painful on the teeth to bite. but behold the very nice presentation..

The mussels were yucky..the good thing about it was the dressing..sigh..

I tried the Kare-Kare mixes sold in the supermarket, hell they taste even better, and all you have to do is add peanut butter to the mix and hot water, quick and easy Kare-Kare fix, which my yaya makes it so creamy ,not this atsuete laden so called Kare-Kare of theirs..Lesson learned want good and yummy Kare-Kare head out to Barrio Fiesta..LOL

So after this horrid dinner had to go back to the place we were staying in and made "Babu" make me some Sweet Lassi and Somosas which was really good and yummy..

I swear never to eat in Taal Vista Lodge and to think that Fuego operates it and the food in Punta Fuego is good....

Love

2009-10-14T07:40:00.000+08:00

Why is it that love is very hard to define? Why is it that a lot of times you can't get who you want? how is it that the person you love often ends up hurting you the most when you least expected it? Why is it that when a person is brokenhearted no amount of advice can compensate the pain you are bearing? Why is it hard to pick up the pieces broken? Questions! Questions! Question! I often hear that God only has the answers coz He alone knows what the future has in store for you! But why is it like that? You pray... and yet answers are kinda difficult to find. Questions! Questions! Question! I don't need questions! I need answers!!! Sometimes, you find answers in peculiar situations. Most often than none, you don't find the answers at all! You have to wait for it to come. and when you least expect it and kinda forgot the question already... tada!!! the answer splats in your face with out you knowing it! I define love as undifinable! Love is a complex feeling that'll make your head spin like crazy when it hit you! How do you define love really? Let me know...

Picked up from the Bald dude's brain.
(Thanks V for lending me this)

Emotional healing

2009-10-14T07:35:00.000+08:00

I am about to embark on an emotional healing sabbath week (I couldn't say no,all paid for but not by me), This is the time for me to ponder on thoughts in my somewhat twisted brain(booze free). I am even leaving my lappy behind even if the place I'm staying in has wi-fi, I am supposed to leave my phone behind as well but since I currently don't have one, it's no biggie. A friend of mine once told me I am too emotionally dependent on people, realizing that now I am, which I hate because people tend to let someone down one way or another. i have been scarred since my early teenage life maybe one of the reasons I am what I am. (nope I don't blame my parents) I just have to accept what life dealt me now I have a choice to make me a better person and make it all better.

I am doing this one slowly painful step at a time... Like they say who doesn't want to be better?

Bad Day! Shit happens

2009-10-06T22:28:00.000+08:00

Does having a bad day constitutes to waking up on the wrong side of the bed or just being unlucky for a day, well it seems like I am that person. It's the day when I should have stayed in bed, kept my head under the pillows, closed the curtains and let the shadows play on the wall. Thinking about it now that would have been so much better.

Nothing went right today, I have this song playing in my head the whole day "Had a bad day sing a sad song just to turn it around..." well I did try to turn things around by doing something positive, the moment I stepped out of the house the stars are against me, they are not in-sync with my psyche, it's like that test you studied and prepared for, then comes the test date only to find out you blank out and somehow managed to fail it.

They say it's part of life, shit happens, how bad can it get, I never thought my week could start so bad, when I was looking for a productive week, then again today is over and tomorrow is a new day for me, I just hope that finally the stars are aligned for me...

They say there is always light at the end of the tunnel...maybe tomorrows sun will bring something new, something to look forward to.

Radioactive

2009-10-01T23:36:00.000+08:00

I am a person scared to death of needles and blood, even if it's my own blood, 2 days of going back and forth to the hospital is painful enough then I have to go through the stress of having my blood taken, which by the way the technician who did it had a hard time getting the right vein. Then I had to go through CT scan, which for a person who can't sit still and is claustrophobic is really stressful, they had to insert an IV, they had a hard time looking for the vein which was agonizing enough, which during the whole time I was strapped in not supposed to move. I was actually hyperventilating, which once again is not good during a CT Scan. I was in a cold room but I was perspiring...that was how bad it was for me. They had to inject into the IV the liquid that makes my innards glow during the scan.

A lot of thought was running in my head, and it's not what if they find something, I was actually thinking of my happy place, to keep me calm. I couldn't think of anything else that would make me panic again. Then they have to start all over again. The thingy had a smiley face on it which was really yellow and irritating for people like me, and it tells you when to breath.

Now I am literally glow in the dark.

Retrospect

2009-09-17T14:40:00.001+08:00

It may sound old but I have to admit I love rock ballads. Those are songs that makes me feel good, it's the kind of music you can actually understand the words and have meaning, not just having a catchy tune, songs from Styxs- Babe,REO Speedwagons when I see you smile, then who can forget I remember and 18 and lifes lyrics playing in my head "tequila in his heartbeat, his veins burned gasoline" from skid row, then there's GNR and Kurt Cobain. Mr. Big's- Just take my heart & To be with you,Poisons Every rose has its thorns, Bon Jovi's- I'll be there for you, and of course Aerosmiths I don't want to miss a thing. Then there's TOTO, Def Leppards two steps behind or even pour some sugar on me.& of course love bites, I just remembered when Curt killed himself, He also killed grunge music.

These songs have more a powerful meaning than Akon singing I wanna F*^*( you which has a catchy tune but listening to it makes me wonder is it really that kind of music I want my daughter listening to, thank God she likes Jesus Jones, Queen, and GNR, she hates RnB, (as of the moment) but she mentioned she sang Bad Medicine and her classmates had no idea. I can't say I don't like listening to new music which I could barely understand the lyrics for it's catchy tune though sometimes I don't agree to the lyrics too vulgar that is. What I like about power ballads is each song has its own meaning and it's the kinda music I want to make love to, Lets me connect it to my feelings and like I said its music that I can actually understand what the singer is saying and not just screaming at the top of their lungs, There are classic songs that even if they are "classics" I think any age can relate to.

Inner voices

2009-09-11T15:59:00.007+08:00

Everybody needs a quiet place to ponder on thoughts, the rambling in the head, and whatever goes through the brain, even a place to clear the raging thoughts in the head. I have that place and I found another one. Though a lot of my inner voices are left unwritten, I try to shut them up (I am a Gemini, so I have an inner twin).

I used to think that the thoughts were nonsense, then it was called my attention that it shows in my face & my eyes when I am deep in my thoughts. Maybe unconsciously, I try to ignore but then again I end up listening to the voices.

As they say it brings balance, like the yin and yang, the black and white, the positive and negative, but for me I call it the "she-devil" and "the good biatch",since I've been losing my balance a lot lately, I can't help but wonder, I should stop listening to them, or if I could just refresh them like a a new page, and get my balance back. But for me I say everything is in order, I feel like i am in balance. So i'll just wait it out and see what happens.

Wanting something..

2009-09-10T20:26:00.004+08:00

Being a mother has it's ups and downs,well everybody knows that, I went into motherhood a little early for my age. (now I realize that..)I have this thought running in my head that maybe just maybe I could go back in time and do it all later on, don't get me wrong I love my little girl so much, I would give my life for hers. (now I know ) Hard headed that I was, not thinking what I would miss out. I missed out a lot, raising a little girl just barely out of my teenage years is hard. I barely knew anything. when all my friends were going out and having fun, I was stuck at home watching the baby. I lived a carefree life before all of this, I went out of town with the friends, partied till the sun came out or until everybody was so wasted even if the sun was out.

I mastered the escaping through the windows just to be able to go out on school nights when my friends drove up and beeped. Responsibilities that was not part of my vocabulary (unless it was school related), then all of a sudden I'm responsible for another life, when I could barely control my own. Now i am at my crossroad, I am not trying to relive the past or trying to make up for lost time, but I am trying not to miss much of life. I am not trying to forget my responsibilities but am I not allowed to have fun as well..My world revolved around my little girl and still does, but I try to have a little for me. Is it bad? I don't really care as long as I know I am taking care of my child. FUCK OFF!!

I am trying to make myself better everyday for her, but who mother can say I don't need a time off, I do and ever since I get my time offs, I noticed a better me with my daughter, I don't get irritated that fast, I feel recharged to face a new week of homework or the screeching of Chinggay..MOMMYYYY........? when I am just in the bathroom, taking a bath is a luxury these days, 5 mins in and expect the knocking, now she is older she knows better. But still..I guess she can't help herself. We used to have quantity time, now I resolved myself to having quality time instead. Wanting time off made me realize that I can balance my time without feeling guilty that I went out to have a good time, though some of the "people" object that I party too hard, hey like I said it's my time off..If there's one thing I can say its my time to enjoy is on those nights. (though I can't help it, I still check on my little girl when I'm out). On those nights wanting to have fun is not so bad, it doesn't have to be drinking or anything drastic, it could be a quiet night with that someone, or have an adult conversation with a few friends, even a "quick dinner " in town that takes so long, doesn't look so bad..

1st attempt at blogging

2009-09-07T21:19:00.000+08:00

This is my first attempt to blog about what nots, this is my answer to my friend vince,who's blog I follow,it's his way to expres his freedom of speech.too bad I can't be profound as he is, but i'll try. I usually am a private person so this is really new, I do keep a journal which is actually color coded there's black-for all the random thoughts in my head,then there is my well hidden red journal for all the naughty and evil things I do or think about.then there is always the neutral one.and this will be my neutral one..I can share my (as vince would say) my sick twisted line of reasoning comes in. For a person to have a lot of thought in the head but really oppressed maybe it's time to come out of the shadows..weeeeeeeee!!!